Confession

I had an argument with my baby over the same matter for umpteen times.

I woke up, prepared for school. Baby forgot to give me morning calls again for today. Three days in a row, I don't think he'll give me morning calls again. He always said that he's tired and he needs ample of rest. Am I being too inconsiderate to ask him to chat with me early in the morning?

We talked on the phone and ended up quarreling. I was on my way to school and asked baby to call me. He said he'll chat with me till I reached school. I didn't wanted to hang and then the problem started. He said he needs to rest in order to work later in the day. I dragged the time. In fact, my lesson starts at 9 today and not 8am. It supposedly to start at 8 and I thought I was late. In actual fact, I was early. He kept saying he have to go back to sleep because to him, work and studies are the main priorities. He said that I don't know how to prioritize. He said he's a workaholic.

I never wanted to stop him from working. Neither do I wanted to bother him. But I can't help it. I found out that I became very dependent on him. Very. People in my life, they'd just come and go. They don't stay. I don't make much new friends, I don't hang out with my friends often nowadays, I don't really talk to them except school works. I don't text/call them. What happened?

When baby told me his future is the most important to him, I could understand how he feels. However, I still couldn't help it but to pick up an argument with him. He's just preparing for the worst. Maybe I should do that too? He don't even have the confidence that we'll last, isn't it? He kept saying, I'll leave him one day if someone better comes by. It applies to him too, am I right? If our relationship couldn't withstand any obstacles, our relationship is not even worthy. I wouldn't say that it's stable now. In fact, it's very fragile and shaky. However, I'm really trying my best to strengthen the relationship between us. I can see his effort. But, I'm just not being understanding enough. I always said that I'll put myself in his shoes, did I? I didn't.

Does he understand? I've been feeling really insecure. I have to be more independent. You can do it, Cassandra(I hope)! He gives me a feeling that I'm not important enough for him to care for. Since work and studies are the main priorities, I shouldn't give him any trouble at all. He said he don't regret. He tried to explain. He told me that if he doesn't talk on the phone with me, it meant that he's resting/working and it doesn't mean that he does not love me anymore. However, I have this feeling. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I may lose to this love game. I have never been that paranoid before. Okay, I did for one of my previous relationship. It's not that bad though, compare to the feeling I have now. I think I need more time to adapt with these.

While I was talking to Baby on the phone, I couldn't believed that I asked him to leave if he wants to. It just came out of my mouth like that. How can I speak without thinking? But I really don't want to argue over the same matters over and over again. My heart ached. For a split second, I felt as if I couldn't breath. I'm grasping and a lot of things went through my mind. What if he really leaves? What if he really decides to give up? What will happen to me, the one that is so dependent on him? Am I able to move on like nothing matters? I was devastated. I was in my class, I looked at the lecturer and continued to copy my notes like nothing's wrong. Inside me, I was dying. Practically going to die anytime.

He said that he don't wanna break up and the decision lies on me. I couldn't bear to let him go at all. In conclusion, we have decided to bear with each other no matter what. We shall give in to each other. Although we don't have much trust in each other due to some reasons, we shall slowly build up our trust and never to betray our trust for each other. I can't say that I won't argue with him over the same matter again. I can promise that I'll never push him away again for small matters like these. I think I'm being over-paranoid, always. I can't help it.

Cassandra's Kai ♥

I purposely choose this photo. Saw how uncle is my baby?

Then don't snatch him away from me. (:

I'm gonna go and customise a necklace that says 'Kai's' one day!